My life as a Lotus Flower

This post is not going to come easy for me nor am I proud to let others know of my failures. It is part of my past that I fought hard to over come and yet I stand strong today because of the mistakes I made in my past!
The picture above is that of a Lotus Flower for those of you who don't know where it comes from or what it represents for some people simple google it! (don't have time to go though what it means to me)

Lets all take a step back to the year 2004! This is the year when my life started to go down hill! At this time I have a 5 year old little boy and a 3 year old little girl! Married to a man whom I was not in love with but with for the sake of my children having a family! My children and I were abused on a regular basis, physically, emotionally and well as mentally. But put on a front that everything was happy. I worked two jobs from 7 am til 2 am to come home to clean my house and get short naps in before my son needed to go to school! I spent little time at home with my children due to being at work all day long and them being with there father all day! Monday was my days off! That was the day my little girl and I would run errands and having Mommy/Daughter breakfast at the restaurant I worked at. When my son got home from school me and the children would make dinner together and the three of us would sit at the dinner table and eat. (as their father ate in front of his computer playing video games) I tried to shelter my children to what was going on with me and their father and did my best to put on a happy face for them no matter how bruised or battered I was. I tried not to let them see my fear or my pain!

And this is where my life really started to come crashing down around me! My husband is no longer working and to my knowledge at home taking care of our children! (mind you I have to reward him for taking care of his children) I go to work at a restaurant at 7am and work until 2pm I race home to get my son off the bus quickly go home spend time cleaning house doing laundry and getting ready to go back to work at 5pm. I return to work until 10pm go home change close and go to the bar where I bar tend until 2 am! I am tired I am run down I have no time for my family and no time for friends. I start to become depressed and begging for attention from all the wrong people. I finally catch a break and only work the morning shift at the restaurant and the bar at night still having a few nights off during the week to enjoy my children! I am befriended by some people I work with who invite me out to dinner and drinks and to have a good time. I don't see a problem with one night a week going out and enjoying myself after all I am the only one that provides for my family while my husband reaps all the rewards of my hard work.
I start going out every Friday night with a few of my girl friends. Going to the bar listening to music have a few drinks (and yes I will admit sometimes more then I needed). I look at these women who work and support their families and they are so happy and carefree and I envy this I want to be these people and finally be able to relax enjoy my life instead of always worrying about what others will say or think or how my husband will react when he knew I smiled or laughed. I start to hang out with them more, and notice there is something about there lives that I didn't realize. These people are so happy and carefree for a reason. Their happy carefree lifestyle is brought on by the use of Cocaine! Yes COCAINE! I am shocked I am appalled I don't know how to react, my parent taught me not to judge people. So I don't!

In the Summer of 2005 I myself start to live this happy carefree life style! I have started a new job and my husband and I have separated due to his abuse towards me and my children. My parents help me with the kids on the weekends and the State is helping me pay for the children to be in daycare. When my children go with my mother for the weekend I spend the whole weekend with my "new happy carefree" friends! My bills are current I have food in my house, my kids know nothing of what I am doing on the weekend in our home. My husband and I are involved with DCFS for the abuse of my husband! There is also a no contact order where we are to stay away from each other which included him not being able to see the children. It was stressful but I knew things would be better in the end. Until one day I made a mistake that has changed my life forever. I broke that order and took my kids to their father where they were found and taken away and put in foster care(thankfully my sister and brother in law took them) On this day my life crashed so hard I knew there was no way to fix it. But there was......I have $50.00 in my pocket and I want to be happy so I brought myself cocaine and used it all until the pain went away. (the pain never went away I was just to messed up to think about it!) Sleepless nights, not eating, crying uncontrollable, using until I thought I was better, this cycle went on for months. Until one day......

I have had it I can't take it anymore! I look in the mirror and I see a ghost! My eyes are sunk in my nose is red and sore. I can't remember the last time I slept or when I last ate! I am losing my home and I have no where to go. My kids are not with me and I am losing my battle with life!

I make a phone call......My mother is on the other end! She will let me come stay with her until I get back on my feet. My mother doesn't know what I have been doing at this time but she soon found out! Yet she never said anything to me. I move in with my mother I stop using and I put all of my effort into working and finding a home, taking classes and counseling to get my children back!

This January I have been clean for 5 years! And not once I have I looked back at all the damage I cause and dwell on it! I have risen from the dirties environment and have blossomed into a beautiful flower (hence the lotus flower) I am still far from perfect but when I look back at where I was 5 and 6 years ago! I think "WOW" what in the heck was I thinking? But, yet it is a mistake that I had to make to know who really cared and wouldn't judge me for all the mistakes I had made in my life! That one person was there to listen to me cry and hold me when I hurt, to give me a smile and laugh when I was about to burst into tears. Jackie Butler (my mother) She is didn't judge me or try to hold me back. She held onto me and pushed until I was in a better place. I may not tell her enough how much I love her and how much she means to me! She is the glue that hold our family together and with out her I am afraid had I not made that call I wouldn't be here today! She is where I get my strength to keep going! I love you Mom and Thank you for all you have done for your bratty, stubborn daughter!