Been away for a while but for a good reason!

So I have been away for awhile. Alot of things have been going on in my household that have required alot of my attention! Plus, I have started attending church! (I know shocking for those who know me) I am enjoying it, I feel more grounded and much more at peace with myself!

My younger sister invited me to start attending church with her at the church where her father in law is the Pastor! It is moving, up lifting and very spiritual! New Life Tabernacle! I look forward to Sundays much more now that I am attending! I won't say that I had lost hope or my faith but I was starting to have my doubts, but now.....OH BOY  I feel like a completely new woman! I silently pray more often now seeking the Lords guidance though out my days and feel his presents guiding me where I need to be in my life!

As for our home! We were in jeopardy of losing it but now with the grace of God we have a chance to save it and not have to move! I personally thank God for this blessing. Before attending church I would have just thrown my hands up and said the heck with it and just let myself be homeless! But, things have come through and we are getting closer to what we need. I mean literally we are just a few dollars short of having what we need. I feel so blessed right now! Nothing could take the smile off my face! I feel like I just have a few more things to get in order and my life will but just the way I want it. PRAISE GOD!

My life as a Lotus Flower

This post is not going to come easy for me nor am I proud to let others know of my failures. It is part of my past that I fought hard to over come and yet I stand strong today because of the mistakes I made in my past!
The picture above is that of a Lotus Flower for those of you who don't know where it comes from or what it represents for some people simple google it! (don't have time to go though what it means to me)

Lets all take a step back to the year 2004! This is the year when my life started to go down hill! At this time I have a 5 year old little boy and a 3 year old little girl! Married to a man whom I was not in love with but with for the sake of my children having a family! My children and I were abused on a regular basis, physically, emotionally and well as mentally. But put on a front that everything was happy. I worked two jobs from 7 am til 2 am to come home to clean my house and get short naps in before my son needed to go to school! I spent little time at home with my children due to being at work all day long and them being with there father all day! Monday was my days off! That was the day my little girl and I would run errands and having Mommy/Daughter breakfast at the restaurant I worked at. When my son got home from school me and the children would make dinner together and the three of us would sit at the dinner table and eat. (as their father ate in front of his computer playing video games) I tried to shelter my children to what was going on with me and their father and did my best to put on a happy face for them no matter how bruised or battered I was. I tried not to let them see my fear or my pain!

And this is where my life really started to come crashing down around me! My husband is no longer working and to my knowledge at home taking care of our children! (mind you I have to reward him for taking care of his children) I go to work at a restaurant at 7am and work until 2pm I race home to get my son off the bus quickly go home spend time cleaning house doing laundry and getting ready to go back to work at 5pm. I return to work until 10pm go home change close and go to the bar where I bar tend until 2 am! I am tired I am run down I have no time for my family and no time for friends. I start to become depressed and begging for attention from all the wrong people. I finally catch a break and only work the morning shift at the restaurant and the bar at night still having a few nights off during the week to enjoy my children! I am befriended by some people I work with who invite me out to dinner and drinks and to have a good time. I don't see a problem with one night a week going out and enjoying myself after all I am the only one that provides for my family while my husband reaps all the rewards of my hard work.
I start going out every Friday night with a few of my girl friends. Going to the bar listening to music have a few drinks (and yes I will admit sometimes more then I needed). I look at these women who work and support their families and they are so happy and carefree and I envy this I want to be these people and finally be able to relax enjoy my life instead of always worrying about what others will say or think or how my husband will react when he knew I smiled or laughed. I start to hang out with them more, and notice there is something about there lives that I didn't realize. These people are so happy and carefree for a reason. Their happy carefree lifestyle is brought on by the use of Cocaine! Yes COCAINE! I am shocked I am appalled I don't know how to react, my parent taught me not to judge people. So I don't!

In the Summer of 2005 I myself start to live this happy carefree life style! I have started a new job and my husband and I have separated due to his abuse towards me and my children. My parents help me with the kids on the weekends and the State is helping me pay for the children to be in daycare. When my children go with my mother for the weekend I spend the whole weekend with my "new happy carefree" friends! My bills are current I have food in my house, my kids know nothing of what I am doing on the weekend in our home. My husband and I are involved with DCFS for the abuse of my husband! There is also a no contact order where we are to stay away from each other which included him not being able to see the children. It was stressful but I knew things would be better in the end. Until one day I made a mistake that has changed my life forever. I broke that order and took my kids to their father where they were found and taken away and put in foster care(thankfully my sister and brother in law took them) On this day my life crashed so hard I knew there was no way to fix it. But there was......I have $50.00 in my pocket and I want to be happy so I brought myself cocaine and used it all until the pain went away. (the pain never went away I was just to messed up to think about it!) Sleepless nights, not eating, crying uncontrollable, using until I thought I was better, this cycle went on for months. Until one day......

I have had it I can't take it anymore! I look in the mirror and I see a ghost! My eyes are sunk in my nose is red and sore. I can't remember the last time I slept or when I last ate! I am losing my home and I have no where to go. My kids are not with me and I am losing my battle with life!

I make a phone call......My mother is on the other end! She will let me come stay with her until I get back on my feet. My mother doesn't know what I have been doing at this time but she soon found out! Yet she never said anything to me. I move in with my mother I stop using and I put all of my effort into working and finding a home, taking classes and counseling to get my children back!

This January I have been clean for 5 years! And not once I have I looked back at all the damage I cause and dwell on it! I have risen from the dirties environment and have blossomed into a beautiful flower (hence the lotus flower) I am still far from perfect but when I look back at where I was 5 and 6 years ago! I think "WOW" what in the heck was I thinking? But, yet it is a mistake that I had to make to know who really cared and wouldn't judge me for all the mistakes I had made in my life! That one person was there to listen to me cry and hold me when I hurt, to give me a smile and laugh when I was about to burst into tears. Jackie Butler (my mother) She is didn't judge me or try to hold me back. She held onto me and pushed until I was in a better place. I may not tell her enough how much I love her and how much she means to me! She is the glue that hold our family together and with out her I am afraid had I not made that call I wouldn't be here today! She is where I get my strength to keep going! I love you Mom and Thank you for all you have done for your bratty, stubborn daughter!

One of my favorite past times!

Cooking

To me I find Cooking to be very relaxing and soothing to my soul! When I am emotionally ready to just go have a good cry somewhere I get in the cabinets and find something to either cook or bake! I am no where near a good a baker as I am a cook! I burn anything I bake from cakes to brownies and yes even garlic bread! But, if you want me to cook something for you.....name it and I will cook it! From my homemade egg rolls or my moms meatloaf. I loved to watch my mom cook and to this day I cook alot of the same foods she cooked for us as kids! I am also one of the few that post up in the kitchen at my mother in laws house! I love cooking with her. She has taught me so much about cooking that I know now the wonders of baked mac and cheese or what gives collard greens the best flavor!

My most fond memory I have of cooking is sitting in the corner of my Grandma Winnie's kitchen watching watching my mom and my aunts rolling out home made tortilla's. She never gave the recipe out she said there never was a recipe it was all in how the felt! Mind you I have yet to master her flour tortilla's. Homemade egg noddles now that is something I love to cook! Make them early in the morning and let them dry all day on the counter top! So yummy!  I hope to start a recipe blog soon and when I get a decent camera to take pictures to share with everyone!

We may not eat the healthiest but we eat what we like and comforts us! Until my food blog I better go make my dinner!

My migraine Disorder!

I have a Migraine Disorder called Acute Onset Migraine Syndrome.
I tend to not let it bother me or effect my day to day life and I have been able to reduce them in the past 10 years! The troubling behind my migraines is the seizures or something to that happens before I have the actual Migraine.

Basilar artery migraine.
 Dizziness, confusion, or loss of balance can precede the headache. The headache pain may affect the back of the head. These symptoms usually occur suddenly and can be associated with the inability to speak properly, ringing in the ears, and vomiting. This type of migraine is strongly related to hormonal changes and primarily affects young adult women. This also includes stress of any kind. They started roughly 10 years ago. And today the count has only been less than 10 but more than 5. It is almost as I black out/pass out. When I come to I can hear everyone talking around me and talking to me I am just unable to respond back! I have a loud horrible sound in my ears as if they need to be popped or something. Pressure in my head, my ears, my eyes, and it feels as if my tongue is swollen. Twice is has been recorded that during on of my "spells" My blood pressure is either extremely low or very high to the point they have wondered if I would have a stroke of some kind!  After the spell has passed I have a feeling on KNIVES all over my head and face! The pain is so much to bear, you can't cry cause it will only hurt more and you don't want to vomit because you don't want more pressure in your head. It is alot to deal with at one time and really I have found that all that helps is the breathing exercises they taught me and I wrap my head and eyes in a black bath towel and sit in a dark quite cool room. If it gets to the point I can get control over it then my only other option is to go to the Emergency Room to get a shot for the pain and a small amount of oxygen

Are Migraines Hereditary?

Yes, migraines have a tendency to be hereditary. Four out of 5 migraine sufferers have a family history of migraines. If one parent has a history of migraines, the child has a 50% chance of developing migraines, and if both parents have a history of migraines, the risk jumps to 75%.

My mother suffers from them as well as one of my other sisters! All three of us have different set offs and symptoms. But the baseline Migraine we surely got from my mother or someone on her side of the family. As a child I did not have this problem and It started shortly after I had my first child. (11years ago) Some days they render you completely useless and you can't function at all! But I don't let it prevent me or stop me from doing what I need to do! This is just a ways of God telling me that today is the day I need to see a little more strength from you! And I pray for him to hold my hand and be by my side to get me through! And look after countless years and a thousand needles for testing I get through them as if it was just a small headache!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLANK!

Several bloggers are posting this, because like me, their brain is exhausted!  Feel free to reuse the following questions!

How did you parents decide on your name?

I was supposed to be Brandon Leigh! But, since I was a girl, I got Brandi!

Do your initials (first/middle/last) spell anything funny?

 

BLB	Black Light Blue (lamp)

BLB	Brewers League Baseball (gaming)

Did you take your middle name from childhood or did you drop your middle name and take your maiden name as your middle name? (Or if unmarried, what do you plan to do?)

No, I kept my first name, I am very VERY proud of my middle name LEIGH. I was married before and DID NOT take his name! Now if and that is a BIG IF I get married again I plan to change my name!

Are you or will you name your children systematically (ie, same first letter, same origin, etc?)

No I did not! Kayden Allen and Abigail Annaleigh! Nor would I do that! But a sister of mine did all of them have T names!

Did you decide on names as a little girl? Did you stick to them or change your mind?

YES!! I wanted triplet girls or boys, Girls names were Emanie Nikol, Elanie Dawn, Elizabeth Rose. Boys names were Creo William, Corbin Jackson, Cain Daniel

Does your family have any names that have been passed down through generations?

My middle name Leigh! I got it from my father my daughter has it as well as two neices Emmaleigh and Tayleigh.

Do you look at the meaning of the name or just the name itself?

The meaning of the name Brandi is Warm And Comforting
The origin of the name Brandi is American

Do you name pet names with human names or dog names?

Umm, I don't think so! Our dogs now are Khalija (the wooden indian) and Zeus (the god)

Are there any names that you have an affinity or dislike for based on a childhood experience or someone you once knew?

When I was younger I wanted to use William but as I have grown I HATE THAT NAME!!!

What are some of your favorite names and why?

Bella (bay-a) Spanish name, Oliver after my grandpa!

The BRAVEST person I know!

YEP!!!! Heather "Butler" Denam! This is my youngest sister (only by 5 years). A few years ago she sufferd from blot clots in her heart and lungs, and while they found this out she also discoverd that she was pregnant! SCARY TO SAY THE LEAST! Doctors urged her and our family in order to save her life she would need to abort her pregnancy! In our family that is just not an option. (thank you Jesus) Heather was in critical care for some time but as the fighter that she is having four older sisters to give her strenght she came through like a Champ! She held her prenancy not know what the outcome would be! Our whole family worked together to help her in any way we could. Her being stubborn this was not an easy task. In July of that year..........

Emmaleigh was born HEALTHY! No side effect of any of the medication Heather had been given! They say child birth is a blessing but in my eyes and this situation Emma truely is a blessing to our family! Both Heather and Emma are the bravest people I know, not giving up when doctors did and saying problems would occur if she kept her pregnancy! Way to show them just who is boss and who you have on your side Iggy!!! The Lord works in amazing ways and I am thankful that he allowed you to stay with us and give us a beautiful neice and granddaughter! I love you and and proud to call you my sister!!!

Untitled

Today had been a day that I wish I never had to live! We have worked so very hard for everything we have and yet we are in a situation where we may just lose it all! We had dreams for this year to be our greatest and yet so far it has been our worst! I was given the lush option to not have to work because King's job was enough and more to take care of us, At the end of January he was laid off with no known return date. At that time we were current on all of our bills and had a nice savings. As of today we no longer have a savings and had to cash in what little he had in his 401k plan just to pay what we could on the house hold bills. King was denied unemployment for some stupid reason and thank to the debt in Illinois it is unlikely he will receive it. For the past two weeks I have spent countless hours online appling for jobs that most highschool students would work ( fast food, gas stations, etc). I have started back to work for a temp company that only works me 2 hours a day and now they want me to only work 5 hours a week. We can't live like this! I am looking around at all I have worked so hard for and the thought that we are so close to losing it all just makes me break down and cry and I find it hard to pick myself up off the floor to get motivated to do anything. I put on a front to everyone that things are so good and that we are just slightly in trouble. I don't want people to talk about me at their dinner tables and have pity on me for getting in this situation! When it comes to family we don't have anyone with the means of helping us out until we get back on our feet, and we cuss ourselves and wonder if doing things the honest way is the right way!
I mean think about it! When drug dealers don't get caught they have no money worries they have new clothes, nice cars, bills paid and they never have to worry where the next dollar is coming from. And yet we work we pay our taxes don't get public assistance, we work til our sweat starts to sweat and this is what we got in return! I dream of bigger and better things and tell myself to have faith and pray that things will get better and I am just so frustrated that we can't get ahead no matter what we do. Are we just doomed to fail and fight for a good life? Are we not worth having our dreams? Why can grown adults be allowed to be completley dependent on others and never have to struggle like I have been. I mean you have a few kids, a car you didn't have to pay for a home that you don't have to pay any bills nor do you have to clean up after yourself or your children, and yet they are REWARDED for it. King and I work hard to pay our bills and take care of our children and there is no REWARD we have been given. We don't get a pat on our back when we bring home a pay check or pay the bills. It is said that when Prayers go up, Blessings come down! Well where is my blessing cause I have sent up countless prayers.
Dear Lord, I am tired, I am scared! I don't want to lose what I have fought for so hard. I need a break, I need you to carry me through this and help me. AMEN

My Beautiful IN-LAWS!

5 years ago I met the most beautiful, loving, warm-hearted family ever! The Day's and Montgomery's! This family no matter what is going on good or bad they are there to listen, lend a hand, anything as simple as a prayer! They are close and open everyone with open arms! I love them just as much as I love my own family!

This amazing woman is Juanita Day, Mama! She warms me to my soul how strong and powerful she is. I love her to peices. No matter what is going on in my life I know I can pick up the phone call her and at the end of the call I feel 100% better! She has showed me just how much faith I really have and how I need to keep it and be strong for myself no matter what the situation!



This is Johnta and Kita! My brother and sister in law! Johnta is the the one who no matter who you are, he is going to tell you like it is. He will not sugar coat anything!! He has talked to me when things were down right horrible! Not saying I like what he has to say but what he says is the truth and yea it is true the truth hurts. Kita has got to be one of the strongest women I have met outside of my own 4 sisters! This woman does not tolerate games of any kind and she is not shy to make her opinions known! And that has to be one of the best qualities in a woman now days! 

This is Donald! The youngest of the Montgomery Boys! Donald and I have a odd relationship to say the least. I would do anything for him but at the same time would do nothing for him! Donald lives in his own little world and he lives his life the way he wants to. He is strong willed, wild and crazy, fun loving, a comedian! He keeps you on your toes and keeps a smile on your face. There is never a dull moment with he is around! Even if at 30 years old he is making prank phone calls to your friends trying to order pizza's from them!

I couldn't ask for better in laws! They are all angels in their own rights and I was blessed enough to have them as a part of my life! For 5 years they have been by King and I's side no matter what kind of mess we get into we know we can always count on them for there prayers and there love! 

My BOYS!

 These are my babies! Khalija and Zeus! They came to use when we weren't looking anything more to add to our lives but now that they are here we don't know what life would be like with out them! They have their own personalities and are more then a handful! But, I wouldn't trade them for any other dog or breed!

 They are both registerd pit bulls! Khalija (the red nose) is from the Gotti Bloodline, and Zeus (the black and white) is from the Razor's Egde Bloodline. Both of those bloodlines have a bad reputation but we have never had an issue with either of them! Here is where there story started......

Khalija came to us when he was approx. 3 months old! He was what you would call a "repo dog" meaning the breeder sold him to someone on a payment plan and the buyer failed to pay and had the dog in a poor situation. We received a call from the breeder asking if we were still interested in a puppy, which at the time we were not. We had moved into a small apartment with not much of a yard and very little time to train or deal with a puppy.  But, once King and I set our eyes on him we instantly fell in love. He became our baby and our lives revolved around his needs.



This is Zeus aka Baby Love. This precious little boy was in no way planned or expected at all! We were at a friends house playing cards when we noticed a smell of gasoline, come to find out the neighbor had poured kerosine on his female pit and her litter of puppies! He was being evicted if he didn't find homes for them and since he wasn't having any luck he decieded to kill them. There were 3 puppies that lived, 2 girls and 1 boy. King was dead set on not getting another dog but I couldn't help but want to help these poor helpless babies. Knowing I couldn't take all 3 of them with me I did what I thought was best, I called Animal Control and gave the man $45 to take the little boy home with me. At the time he fit in Kings hand. At only 3 weeks old we took him home with us and that is where I became is Mama doing everything she would to keep him alive and safe!

Khalija is 3 with his birthday being on Valentine's Day. He is a very lazy laid back fella! He hates cats, birds, and more times then not vehicles that aren't ones he can ride in! He is a Daddy's Boy! He paces, cries and whines when his Daddy is away. Being very protective over his home he keeps us informed with things are not the way they should be! He is our "lookout"!

Then there is Zeus, who started out sooooo tiny is now a solid 90lbs is the biggest lover in the world! He wants to hug and kiss and cuddle. He knows no wrong! He is a stong willed little man! He is brave and has powered back from some things that most dogs would probably pass away from. His most recent being a blood clot. But it didn't slow him down or stop him! He just keeps on ticking like the pink bunny! Zeus is a Mama's Boy and wants to be where ever I am! He is not a big fan of car rides and when in a car he wants to sit on my lap and suck on my finger! We still at 2 years old why he does this but, it doesn't bother me and it keeps him happy!

 



There you have it these are my four legged babies that changed our lives! As I said before King and I don't have children together but these boys are our babies!

My favorite item of clothes!

YES I AM A SHOE GIRL!!!!!! I love love love love shoes! It doesn't matter if it is a nice pair of tennis shoes or a simple pair of flip flops! I can honestly say I haven't always been a shoe person it is something that has just recently became an obsession of mine. I want all kinds of shoes from high heels to house shoes! It started off about 6 or 7 years ago when my husband and I split up and I starting going out to parties and meeting new and diffrent people that I became very interested with what people had on their feet men and women alike! What girl doesn't want a shiny pair of sexy heels you know the kind that make your legs long and skinny and you pair that up with a cute pedicure, YOU JUST CAN'T GO WRONG!(I sound like I should be a shoe sales woman)

This red shoe is a jimmy Choo, the cost for a pair of these shoes is somewhere around $2000.00 and my goal is to one day buy a pair and wear them at least once! Just to say I have a pair and I paid full price for them! Maybe not a red pair but just a pair in general! When King and I go out my whole outfit revolves around what shoes I want to wear. Yes the higher the heels the more they hurt but it is sooooooo worth it when you get the compliments or the stares or even when other women go bananas over the shoes you have on. Maybe it is just the crowd I hang around or the new people that I have met that has started this new craze for me but whatever it is I like it very much!





My job as a HOMEMAKER!

Don't get me wrong who doesn't like a clean house and clean yard? But, sometimes I wonder why I try so hard to keep my house looking the way it does! Few come to my house, let alone any of my family! I take pride in the way my house looks. It gives me alot of pride that at any given moment you can knock on my door and I wouldn't be embrassed to let you into every room! No I don't think I have OCD but, I hate dirty dishes in the sick and HATE HATE HATE my floors being dirty! But, at the end of the day the only people that see all my hard work is me and King. He also likes his home neat and orderly so it makes alot of my homemaker jobs easy. But as the end of the day as I wipe the sweat away I wonder why, why do I do this, I would love for my family (who none have seen my home except for one) to come over for a BBQ or just for a simple small get together so they can see all that King and I have worked so hard to keep and maintain the past two years!

Our house isn't the newest nor the biggest but it is ours! And it is by far teh nicest place the two of us have lived in together. We have a nice size yard a small patio area that we like to sit at in the warm weather and relax. All in which I want to share with my family, I guess in a way show the how much I have grown in the past few years and learned from all the mistakes they were trying to get me to learn from! They know they are always welcome here but they never take me up on the open invite. Alot of that I think has to do with King but I just keep telling myself in time they will come around and one day and hopefully soon they will come see all of our hard work and maybe see that King isn't such a bad guy after all!



My favorite "GETAWAY"!

Chicago!! What more can I say! This has been my favorite place to go for the last 5 years! Sure I had been as a kid, you know to the zoo, the museums, Navy Pier! But on a bus! It will be 6 years this Memorial Day weekend that I went as an adult! I am not a fan of big bodies of water but King managed to trick me and we drove down Lake Shore Drive! The skyline was scary to me, all I could see was water and boats and no land on the other side of the water! But ye sooooo incredible beautiful! Later that night he wanted to take me to the "water"! We sat on the beach looking back at the downtown sky. All I could do was smile and grin and call my mother to tell her just where I was at and how amazing it was! Now after all these years it doesn't matter if it is summer, spring, fall, or winter I always ask to go to the "water"! I love the beach now, I don't get in the water maybe just my feet but I will not go all the way into the lake!

To me the lakefront is so special to me! It was the first time King had taken me to Chicago to meet his family it was the first time I had ever been by that much water with out completly freaking out. But my most favorite about the lake front is that was when King told me he loved me and how special I was to him. And that the fireworks that were going off in the sky were all for me! (lol I knew they weren't but it was super sweet)! That was the very moment that I knew I didn't want to take another step in this life without him by my side! He truely is my better half!