My thoughts

If your heart stopped I would give you mine
If your lungs could not help your breath I would give you mine
If your eyes go bad and you can no longer see your beautiful life I would give you mine
If you could no longer hear all the nature around you I would give you my ears

I came so close to losing you once and I never want to be there again! I love you Sister for all you have said and done for me! You love me you don't judge me you give me your imput and advice with out forcing issues on me! You will never know how much I love you and even being your older sister I look up to you!!! I love you Iggy/Bunting!

Been away for a while but for a good reason!

So I have been away for awhile. Alot of things have been going on in my household that have required alot of my attention! Plus, I have started attending church! (I know shocking for those who know me) I am enjoying it, I feel more grounded and much more at peace with myself!

My younger sister invited me to start attending church with her at the church where her father in law is the Pastor! It is moving, up lifting and very spiritual! New Life Tabernacle! I look forward to Sundays much more now that I am attending! I won't say that I had lost hope or my faith but I was starting to have my doubts, but now.....OH BOY  I feel like a completely new woman! I silently pray more often now seeking the Lords guidance though out my days and feel his presents guiding me where I need to be in my life!

As for our home! We were in jeopardy of losing it but now with the grace of God we have a chance to save it and not have to move! I personally thank God for this blessing. Before attending church I would have just thrown my hands up and said the heck with it and just let myself be homeless! But, things have come through and we are getting closer to what we need. I mean literally we are just a few dollars short of having what we need. I feel so blessed right now! Nothing could take the smile off my face! I feel like I just have a few more things to get in order and my life will but just the way I want it. PRAISE GOD!

My life as a Lotus Flower

This post is not going to come easy for me nor am I proud to let others know of my failures. It is part of my past that I fought hard to over come and yet I stand strong today because of the mistakes I made in my past!
The picture above is that of a Lotus Flower for those of you who don't know where it comes from or what it represents for some people simple google it! (don't have time to go though what it means to me)

Lets all take a step back to the year 2004! This is the year when my life started to go down hill! At this time I have a 5 year old little boy and a 3 year old little girl! Married to a man whom I was not in love with but with for the sake of my children having a family! My children and I were abused on a regular basis, physically, emotionally and well as mentally. But put on a front that everything was happy. I worked two jobs from 7 am til 2 am to come home to clean my house and get short naps in before my son needed to go to school! I spent little time at home with my children due to being at work all day long and them being with there father all day! Monday was my days off! That was the day my little girl and I would run errands and having Mommy/Daughter breakfast at the restaurant I worked at. When my son got home from school me and the children would make dinner together and the three of us would sit at the dinner table and eat. (as their father ate in front of his computer playing video games) I tried to shelter my children to what was going on with me and their father and did my best to put on a happy face for them no matter how bruised or battered I was. I tried not to let them see my fear or my pain!

And this is where my life really started to come crashing down around me! My husband is no longer working and to my knowledge at home taking care of our children! (mind you I have to reward him for taking care of his children) I go to work at a restaurant at 7am and work until 2pm I race home to get my son off the bus quickly go home spend time cleaning house doing laundry and getting ready to go back to work at 5pm. I return to work until 10pm go home change close and go to the bar where I bar tend until 2 am! I am tired I am run down I have no time for my family and no time for friends. I start to become depressed and begging for attention from all the wrong people. I finally catch a break and only work the morning shift at the restaurant and the bar at night still having a few nights off during the week to enjoy my children! I am befriended by some people I work with who invite me out to dinner and drinks and to have a good time. I don't see a problem with one night a week going out and enjoying myself after all I am the only one that provides for my family while my husband reaps all the rewards of my hard work.
I start going out every Friday night with a few of my girl friends. Going to the bar listening to music have a few drinks (and yes I will admit sometimes more then I needed). I look at these women who work and support their families and they are so happy and carefree and I envy this I want to be these people and finally be able to relax enjoy my life instead of always worrying about what others will say or think or how my husband will react when he knew I smiled or laughed. I start to hang out with them more, and notice there is something about there lives that I didn't realize. These people are so happy and carefree for a reason. Their happy carefree lifestyle is brought on by the use of Cocaine! Yes COCAINE! I am shocked I am appalled I don't know how to react, my parent taught me not to judge people. So I don't!

In the Summer of 2005 I myself start to live this happy carefree life style! I have started a new job and my husband and I have separated due to his abuse towards me and my children. My parents help me with the kids on the weekends and the State is helping me pay for the children to be in daycare. When my children go with my mother for the weekend I spend the whole weekend with my "new happy carefree" friends! My bills are current I have food in my house, my kids know nothing of what I am doing on the weekend in our home. My husband and I are involved with DCFS for the abuse of my husband! There is also a no contact order where we are to stay away from each other which included him not being able to see the children. It was stressful but I knew things would be better in the end. Until one day I made a mistake that has changed my life forever. I broke that order and took my kids to their father where they were found and taken away and put in foster care(thankfully my sister and brother in law took them) On this day my life crashed so hard I knew there was no way to fix it. But there was......I have $50.00 in my pocket and I want to be happy so I brought myself cocaine and used it all until the pain went away. (the pain never went away I was just to messed up to think about it!) Sleepless nights, not eating, crying uncontrollable, using until I thought I was better, this cycle went on for months. Until one day......

I have had it I can't take it anymore! I look in the mirror and I see a ghost! My eyes are sunk in my nose is red and sore. I can't remember the last time I slept or when I last ate! I am losing my home and I have no where to go. My kids are not with me and I am losing my battle with life!

I make a phone call......My mother is on the other end! She will let me come stay with her until I get back on my feet. My mother doesn't know what I have been doing at this time but she soon found out! Yet she never said anything to me. I move in with my mother I stop using and I put all of my effort into working and finding a home, taking classes and counseling to get my children back!

This January I have been clean for 5 years! And not once I have I looked back at all the damage I cause and dwell on it! I have risen from the dirties environment and have blossomed into a beautiful flower (hence the lotus flower) I am still far from perfect but when I look back at where I was 5 and 6 years ago! I think "WOW" what in the heck was I thinking? But, yet it is a mistake that I had to make to know who really cared and wouldn't judge me for all the mistakes I had made in my life! That one person was there to listen to me cry and hold me when I hurt, to give me a smile and laugh when I was about to burst into tears. Jackie Butler (my mother) She is didn't judge me or try to hold me back. She held onto me and pushed until I was in a better place. I may not tell her enough how much I love her and how much she means to me! She is the glue that hold our family together and with out her I am afraid had I not made that call I wouldn't be here today! She is where I get my strength to keep going! I love you Mom and Thank you for all you have done for your bratty, stubborn daughter!

One of my favorite past times!

Cooking

To me I find Cooking to be very relaxing and soothing to my soul! When I am emotionally ready to just go have a good cry somewhere I get in the cabinets and find something to either cook or bake! I am no where near a good a baker as I am a cook! I burn anything I bake from cakes to brownies and yes even garlic bread! But, if you want me to cook something for you.....name it and I will cook it! From my homemade egg rolls or my moms meatloaf. I loved to watch my mom cook and to this day I cook alot of the same foods she cooked for us as kids! I am also one of the few that post up in the kitchen at my mother in laws house! I love cooking with her. She has taught me so much about cooking that I know now the wonders of baked mac and cheese or what gives collard greens the best flavor!

My most fond memory I have of cooking is sitting in the corner of my Grandma Winnie's kitchen watching watching my mom and my aunts rolling out home made tortilla's. She never gave the recipe out she said there never was a recipe it was all in how the felt! Mind you I have yet to master her flour tortilla's. Homemade egg noddles now that is something I love to cook! Make them early in the morning and let them dry all day on the counter top! So yummy!  I hope to start a recipe blog soon and when I get a decent camera to take pictures to share with everyone!

We may not eat the healthiest but we eat what we like and comforts us! Until my food blog I better go make my dinner!

My migraine Disorder!

I have a Migraine Disorder called Acute Onset Migraine Syndrome.
I tend to not let it bother me or effect my day to day life and I have been able to reduce them in the past 10 years! The troubling behind my migraines is the seizures or something to that happens before I have the actual Migraine.

Basilar artery migraine.
 Dizziness, confusion, or loss of balance can precede the headache. The headache pain may affect the back of the head. These symptoms usually occur suddenly and can be associated with the inability to speak properly, ringing in the ears, and vomiting. This type of migraine is strongly related to hormonal changes and primarily affects young adult women. This also includes stress of any kind. They started roughly 10 years ago. And today the count has only been less than 10 but more than 5. It is almost as I black out/pass out. When I come to I can hear everyone talking around me and talking to me I am just unable to respond back! I have a loud horrible sound in my ears as if they need to be popped or something. Pressure in my head, my ears, my eyes, and it feels as if my tongue is swollen. Twice is has been recorded that during on of my "spells" My blood pressure is either extremely low or very high to the point they have wondered if I would have a stroke of some kind!  After the spell has passed I have a feeling on KNIVES all over my head and face! The pain is so much to bear, you can't cry cause it will only hurt more and you don't want to vomit because you don't want more pressure in your head. It is alot to deal with at one time and really I have found that all that helps is the breathing exercises they taught me and I wrap my head and eyes in a black bath towel and sit in a dark quite cool room. If it gets to the point I can get control over it then my only other option is to go to the Emergency Room to get a shot for the pain and a small amount of oxygen

Are Migraines Hereditary?

Yes, migraines have a tendency to be hereditary. Four out of 5 migraine sufferers have a family history of migraines. If one parent has a history of migraines, the child has a 50% chance of developing migraines, and if both parents have a history of migraines, the risk jumps to 75%.

My mother suffers from them as well as one of my other sisters! All three of us have different set offs and symptoms. But the baseline Migraine we surely got from my mother or someone on her side of the family. As a child I did not have this problem and It started shortly after I had my first child. (11years ago) Some days they render you completely useless and you can't function at all! But I don't let it prevent me or stop me from doing what I need to do! This is just a ways of God telling me that today is the day I need to see a little more strength from you! And I pray for him to hold my hand and be by my side to get me through! And look after countless years and a thousand needles for testing I get through them as if it was just a small headache!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLANK!

Several bloggers are posting this, because like me, their brain is exhausted!  Feel free to reuse the following questions!

How did you parents decide on your name?

I was supposed to be Brandon Leigh! But, since I was a girl, I got Brandi!

Do your initials (first/middle/last) spell anything funny?

 

BLB	Black Light Blue (lamp)

BLB	Brewers League Baseball (gaming)

Did you take your middle name from childhood or did you drop your middle name and take your maiden name as your middle name? (Or if unmarried, what do you plan to do?)

No, I kept my first name, I am very VERY proud of my middle name LEIGH. I was married before and DID NOT take his name! Now if and that is a BIG IF I get married again I plan to change my name!

Are you or will you name your children systematically (ie, same first letter, same origin, etc?)

No I did not! Kayden Allen and Abigail Annaleigh! Nor would I do that! But a sister of mine did all of them have T names!

Did you decide on names as a little girl? Did you stick to them or change your mind?

YES!! I wanted triplet girls or boys, Girls names were Emanie Nikol, Elanie Dawn, Elizabeth Rose. Boys names were Creo William, Corbin Jackson, Cain Daniel

Does your family have any names that have been passed down through generations?

My middle name Leigh! I got it from my father my daughter has it as well as two neices Emmaleigh and Tayleigh.

Do you look at the meaning of the name or just the name itself?

The meaning of the name Brandi is Warm And Comforting
The origin of the name Brandi is American

Do you name pet names with human names or dog names?

Umm, I don't think so! Our dogs now are Khalija (the wooden indian) and Zeus (the god)

Are there any names that you have an affinity or dislike for based on a childhood experience or someone you once knew?

When I was younger I wanted to use William but as I have grown I HATE THAT NAME!!!

What are some of your favorite names and why?

Bella (bay-a) Spanish name, Oliver after my grandpa!

The BRAVEST person I know!

YEP!!!! Heather "Butler" Denam! This is my youngest sister (only by 5 years). A few years ago she sufferd from blot clots in her heart and lungs, and while they found this out she also discoverd that she was pregnant! SCARY TO SAY THE LEAST! Doctors urged her and our family in order to save her life she would need to abort her pregnancy! In our family that is just not an option. (thank you Jesus) Heather was in critical care for some time but as the fighter that she is having four older sisters to give her strenght she came through like a Champ! She held her prenancy not know what the outcome would be! Our whole family worked together to help her in any way we could. Her being stubborn this was not an easy task. In July of that year..........

Emmaleigh was born HEALTHY! No side effect of any of the medication Heather had been given! They say child birth is a blessing but in my eyes and this situation Emma truely is a blessing to our family! Both Heather and Emma are the bravest people I know, not giving up when doctors did and saying problems would occur if she kept her pregnancy! Way to show them just who is boss and who you have on your side Iggy!!! The Lord works in amazing ways and I am thankful that he allowed you to stay with us and give us a beautiful neice and granddaughter! I love you and and proud to call you my sister!!!